soulsearching.

So, I havent blogged in awhile. I started my semester and I only have class two days a week. Its a good sched but when Im not in school Im jus fuckin around not doing anything. Im in the process of looing for a job but I refuse to settle for retail and the recession isnt too good for me to find an office job so right now im keeping my fingers crossed. I love all of my classes this smester and Im learning alot of interesting things. Besides academics, I have been ging out alot and every weekend I promise myself Im going to stay in I never do but this week will be the beginning. I decided to reoragnize my closet this weekend to stay busy and maybe ill catch a ,ovie with some friends. I think i was gong out so much to avoid the feeling of loneliness... if Im out and twisted then im having fun and focusing on the music and the strobe light because they do make evrything sexier and hide feelings and truths about people. I just want to feel like 100 percent my self again Im almost there and I have been doing alot better ut I just want to feel like I felt before HE happened. I always bring him up here which is interesting because I dont think about him that much I guess i just want to get to the point hes not a thought at ALL, not even in my blog. Since ive been alone i dont stress as much and i feel relieved and im more patient and positive. I've noticed more beauty and im just trying to figure out what I want. My goals right now are to travel and thats really what i want to do this summer. I want to explore and experience things. Life is so unpredictable and things can always change for the better. I meant to blog on the day of the inauguration but it ust slipped my mind. History was made once again on that day and i experienced it. so many experiences that are overlooked can be overwhelming and of the best kind. I thik about people that I know that are trying t figure things out and worry about things they shouldnt worry about and have peolple in their lives that shouldnt be there. I dont want to be one of those people so im re-evaluating. I hada friend that stopped talking to me out of nowhere so i removed her from my fbook friends and she actually took the time to respond to me. I was so shocked she did but I guess to her one less digital friend is a problem. I was so incredibly angry that i told her to fuck off. Im done w. her. she can stay in the world she has w. her boyfriend and when she needs someone shes going to be alone. I need to get away. I think there is soooo much more out there and it bugs me that im just in one place... there will come a time for me. I shouldnt be so upset i can go out and explore because some people have trouble living where they are because they go hungry, or are abused or oppressed as their human rights are violated. The grass will always be greener on the other side. everyone always wants a little bit more.... but life is complicated that way we're not supposed to figure evrything out but some soul-searching is always nice.


peace.

just cause.

I really love Beyonce's song Halo and the video is so soft && shows what it means to really be in love with someone. I would love to experience that but when the time is right. RIGHT NOW though I am my main focus. I went out on Friday and had an AMAZING time w.my friends and the grey goose def. had this girl feeling loose. I start school Monday and I cant wait to learn. :)



life is good.

Tippssss

I am on my way out to NYC to get crunk w. my 2 best girls.
Lounge Hoppin' ... HOLLA.
Who needs a man... NOT MEEEEE :)

20

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

'09 new year, new experiences, new outlook.


I'm excited for '09. It already started on a good note, spending time w. my peoples ans relaxing. I start classes o the 12th ugh earlier than I thought but w.e I'm kinda ready to get back into class mode.

Spent the weekend w. Sash and Tonz (super fun).
She gave me the idea for this 20things for 20people... so here goes...


1. You are an ugly person inside and out, I wish I had never met you.
2. Even though I don't see you as much as I used to, you have always been a great friend.
3. I'm proud of you, I hope were are friends forever!
4. The world doesn't revolve around your pain, get over it, shit could be worse.
5. I think I could fall in love with you but I'd rather not.
6. You are my rock, and my favorite person in the world.
7. You are so much fun! You have become one of my best and most genuine friends, THANK YOU!
8. Girl, you are so funny! You have a great personality and I enjoy your company :)
9. You are FUCKING DYSFUNCTIONAL and I think you thrive on drama. I keep you around so I could feel better about myself.
10. You're full of excuses AND you talk too much.
11. I really do love you and I wish you weren't a fair weather friend.
12. Let go a little and try to enjoy life. You're only young once so stop complaining.
13. You can be so EXTRA.
14. I don't like partying with you, you make me feel uncomfortable.
15. You're really immature, I made the effort but now I'm done with you.
16. You need a man to survive, but I accept that and I love you anyway.
17. You were everything I NEVER wanted, thanks for the years of tears.
18. You have so much to learn but I think you will be great at anything you do. I will always be here for you if you need ANYTHING.
19. You are a product of your environment and that passion you think you have isn't real.
20. You fucked all of us over now you have to deal with the consequences forever, suck it up.



xo.

Catchin' Up.

LONG BLOG.

So.... I've been going out ALOT. At first I thought it would be a good idea to go out and numb the pain from the heartbreak but then I realized its because I MISSED IT!I wasout last week like everyday... I've reconnected w. people I haven't seen in a while and it felt really nice to see them again. I hung out w. what people would call just an EX but he's a good friend and we have fun together. My friends are surprised at how well we get along. I saw him all wknd and he was totally my party buddy. This past weekend I was out thurs, fri, and sat. I didn't go out sunday cuz my daddy came home from DR :). New Year's is tomorrow and I'm excited about a fresh start, I have some big plans for '09. FRANCE! *keeping my fingers crossed* In August my girls and I are hoping to rent a summer house in DR and jus chill for a few days. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can breathe. I would get reallysad when I would see couples or people in movies or on tv hooking up but then I remember that my relationship was NOT a fairytale and I feel instantly better that I'm doing things for myself. A which is the guy I reconnected with and I had a loooong talk. He had just gotten out of an engagement and we were talking about our relationships (which is why my friends cant believe how cool it is btwn us). We both agreed that our relatinships were exhausting and that we were going to dedicate our time to being happy and discovering ourselves and basically enying life with no stress. I think its goingto be easier for me cuz I dont even speak to my X at all. I was gonna try the whole friend thing but honestly I couldnt take it. I cant be around him w.out missing him and then at a cetrain point being so furious at him. Another reason I cant be friends with him is because he doesnt know how to be a friend so why even bother. He said he would treat me like he did his douchebag friends that all fucking screwed each other over w. out hesitation, so NAH I'M GOOD N****. I think that from now on I should weed out the excess of people I dont fucking need because they are a waste of time. Im not saying that my relationship w. him was a waste of time but a friendship w. hm would be. He wasmy best friend because I was w. him but we have nothing in common so that best friend shit is out the window w. the bf/gf label. A's relationship w. his X however is a little bit more difficult because randomly shows up and she calls every 5 minutes. When I stayed over his house I thought she would have shown up out of the blue. The timing for this new independence could not have come at a better time. I'm going to stay out of a relationship for awhile but Im still looking to have fun ;). I wont be writing about this relationship nonsense everytime I blog, its just to get feelings and thoughts that have lingered out of the way. MOVING ALONG....

Random Thoughts....

I saw YES MAN w. Jim Carrey. It was soooooo good. I saw it alone because my mom and my sisters were in another movie. It was really funny and it was nice to be able to sit there and relax and enjoy the movie on my own (without HIS obnoxious unnecessary laugh). A friend of mine texted me and he thought I was crazy for watching a movie alone and he insisted I shoulda called him but NAH I dont need a man to watch a movie w.puleeezeee.

I've also gotten my grades back. Not bad I guess, 3 B's and 1 A-. There's still one more grade I'm waiting on so we'll see. As crazy as class was everyday and how much I was looking forward to the break... I kinda miss learning haha sucha nerd I know. Next semester I will have NO DISTRACTION sooo I will kick ass.

My cousin Y has a place in the city that IS MY NEW CHILL SPOT when its lowkey. He said my sister and I can come over, light L's, watch blurays on his HUUUUGE tv and jus chill whenever. The 3 of us are going through break ups and the 3 of us are handling it really well.. So I guess my hangout situation wont change that much from when I was tied down only now it'll be all fun, no stress and no cigarette/grease stench.

A friend of mine calledme crying lastnight going through the same BS i went through. I told her to hold strong. She's serious about this single thing now cuz she didnt sleep and at 6am she changed her number which is understandable, he became physical w. her. NO MAN shold EVER hit a woman and if he does HE'S NOT WORTH SHIT (dont you ever forget it). Right now I'm going to try and be as supporttive as she was towards me because she needs me and I'm here for her. She can do this because she has alot going for her and he depends on her sooo he's going to be the one suffering the consequences. I told her to use her anger to make herself better and stronger. Tonight is girl's night and a bottle of wine and brownies could be the first step at healing a broken heart, it worked for me.

NEW YEARS! is tomorrow. Noplans yet ust invites to a few parties. We'll see what kinda mood I'm in and where the hotties aregonna be at hahaha I'm jk (kinda). I just want to enjoy my New Years.. so we'll see keep u posted.

I think I'm good for now. Enjoy the last few moments of '08. xo




PS: this is for you. I reached such a level of unhappiness with you that I knew you wouldnever be able to repair because you are below me. I thought I needed you but I was soooo wrong. I will never forget the thingsu did to me, and yes I was not perfect and I hurt you too BUT you were worse and YOU are the reason we failed and were destined to fail. FIX YOURSELF, figure out what the fuck is wrong w. you. Grow up alittle and take on some responsibility and focus on something. You told me that I didnt focus, last time I checked I'm about to have a bachelor's degree. I committed to school for FIVE YEARS and I'm going to law school. Youlazy and just so you know...your mom cant pay for EVERYTHING. It was nice knowing you but it will be even better forgetting you.

...

God grant me the Serenity...
To accept the things I cannot change

The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.


almost done; focus time.

Live, Laugh, Love, && Let Go.

I just finished my third final now I only have two to worry about on monday then I'm done for the semester! Its really been a really long semester butI have enjoyed my classes except for one, art history the teacher is an ice queen and basically everyone dislikes her. It's about to be a week since the whole breakup thing and I feel alot better, I've been putting things into perspective and figuring out what's important. Over winter break I'm ready to relax and enjoy myself because its time that I get back to worrying about me and what I want. I'm supposed to be graduating December 2009 so I really have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I'm not who I thought I would be or where I thought I would be at 21 but who actually follows their plans without a hitch? I'd like to meet that person and then get them high so they could let go a little. I really feel now more than ever that life is about making mistakes. I remember thinking last week that heartbreak was going to take time to heal but not really believing it but now I really do. Everyday gets a little better and the moments are there from time to time but I feel like I could really become a better person. Six years in a relationship can take alot out of someone especially when it begins so early in life. I was only 15 and I'm letting go now. I grew up with him but I also grew apart. I was so focused on being a good girlfriend for him that I didnt see what was good for me. I'm getting to a point where I'm excited about what life could bring to me and how much I'm going to learn now that I have all this free time haha. I can reconnect with myself, my friends, my family and my interests. I havent thought about all of these things in so long and even though a part of me still loves him I know that he was a setback and being afraid of being alone isnt a good enough reason to stay with someone. I'm young I have time. I want and need to be on my own for awhile and explore life. Life is really too short to be constantly unhappy and wondering what if. 2009 will be a good year for me and for now I just have to wait and see what it will bring me. I really want to grow as a person and build up my personal strength that had been broken down, I really did lose alot of myself over the past few years. It's important to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Right now the plan is to love me, love life, laugh and learn, and let go. A new chapter of my life is beginning and I'm going to take control and make the very best of it. :)