Catchin' Up.

LONG BLOG.

So.... I've been going out ALOT. At first I thought it would be a good idea to go out and numb the pain from the heartbreak but then I realized its because I MISSED IT!I wasout last week like everyday... I've reconnected w. people I haven't seen in a while and it felt really nice to see them again. I hung out w. what people would call just an EX but he's a good friend and we have fun together. My friends are surprised at how well we get along. I saw him all wknd and he was totally my party buddy. This past weekend I was out thurs, fri, and sat. I didn't go out sunday cuz my daddy came home from DR :). New Year's is tomorrow and I'm excited about a fresh start, I have some big plans for '09. FRANCE! *keeping my fingers crossed* In August my girls and I are hoping to rent a summer house in DR and jus chill for a few days. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can breathe. I would get reallysad when I would see couples or people in movies or on tv hooking up but then I remember that my relationship was NOT a fairytale and I feel instantly better that I'm doing things for myself. A which is the guy I reconnected with and I had a loooong talk. He had just gotten out of an engagement and we were talking about our relationships (which is why my friends cant believe how cool it is btwn us). We both agreed that our relatinships were exhausting and that we were going to dedicate our time to being happy and discovering ourselves and basically enying life with no stress. I think its goingto be easier for me cuz I dont even speak to my X at all. I was gonna try the whole friend thing but honestly I couldnt take it. I cant be around him w.out missing him and then at a cetrain point being so furious at him. Another reason I cant be friends with him is because he doesnt know how to be a friend so why even bother. He said he would treat me like he did his douchebag friends that all fucking screwed each other over w. out hesitation, so NAH I'M GOOD N****. I think that from now on I should weed out the excess of people I dont fucking need because they are a waste of time. Im not saying that my relationship w. him was a waste of time but a friendship w. hm would be. He wasmy best friend because I was w. him but we have nothing in common so that best friend shit is out the window w. the bf/gf label. A's relationship w. his X however is a little bit more difficult because randomly shows up and she calls every 5 minutes. When I stayed over his house I thought she would have shown up out of the blue. The timing for this new independence could not have come at a better time. I'm going to stay out of a relationship for awhile but Im still looking to have fun ;). I wont be writing about this relationship nonsense everytime I blog, its just to get feelings and thoughts that have lingered out of the way. MOVING ALONG....

Random Thoughts....

I saw YES MAN w. Jim Carrey. It was soooooo good. I saw it alone because my mom and my sisters were in another movie. It was really funny and it was nice to be able to sit there and relax and enjoy the movie on my own (without HIS obnoxious unnecessary laugh). A friend of mine texted me and he thought I was crazy for watching a movie alone and he insisted I shoulda called him but NAH I dont need a man to watch a movie w.puleeezeee.

I've also gotten my grades back. Not bad I guess, 3 B's and 1 A-. There's still one more grade I'm waiting on so we'll see. As crazy as class was everyday and how much I was looking forward to the break... I kinda miss learning haha sucha nerd I know. Next semester I will have NO DISTRACTION sooo I will kick ass.

My cousin Y has a place in the city that IS MY NEW CHILL SPOT when its lowkey. He said my sister and I can come over, light L's, watch blurays on his HUUUUGE tv and jus chill whenever. The 3 of us are going through break ups and the 3 of us are handling it really well.. So I guess my hangout situation wont change that much from when I was tied down only now it'll be all fun, no stress and no cigarette/grease stench.

A friend of mine calledme crying lastnight going through the same BS i went through. I told her to hold strong. She's serious about this single thing now cuz she didnt sleep and at 6am she changed her number which is understandable, he became physical w. her. NO MAN shold EVER hit a woman and if he does HE'S NOT WORTH SHIT (dont you ever forget it). Right now I'm going to try and be as supporttive as she was towards me because she needs me and I'm here for her. She can do this because she has alot going for her and he depends on her sooo he's going to be the one suffering the consequences. I told her to use her anger to make herself better and stronger. Tonight is girl's night and a bottle of wine and brownies could be the first step at healing a broken heart, it worked for me.

NEW YEARS! is tomorrow. Noplans yet ust invites to a few parties. We'll see what kinda mood I'm in and where the hotties aregonna be at hahaha I'm jk (kinda). I just want to enjoy my New Years.. so we'll see keep u posted.

I think I'm good for now. Enjoy the last few moments of '08. xo




PS: this is for you. I reached such a level of unhappiness with you that I knew you wouldnever be able to repair because you are below me. I thought I needed you but I was soooo wrong. I will never forget the thingsu did to me, and yes I was not perfect and I hurt you too BUT you were worse and YOU are the reason we failed and were destined to fail. FIX YOURSELF, figure out what the fuck is wrong w. you. Grow up alittle and take on some responsibility and focus on something. You told me that I didnt focus, last time I checked I'm about to have a bachelor's degree. I committed to school for FIVE YEARS and I'm going to law school. Youlazy and just so you know...your mom cant pay for EVERYTHING. It was nice knowing you but it will be even better forgetting you.

...

God grant me the Serenity...
To accept the things I cannot change

The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.


almost done; focus time.

Live, Laugh, Love, && Let Go.

I just finished my third final now I only have two to worry about on monday then I'm done for the semester! Its really been a really long semester butI have enjoyed my classes except for one, art history the teacher is an ice queen and basically everyone dislikes her. It's about to be a week since the whole breakup thing and I feel alot better, I've been putting things into perspective and figuring out what's important. Over winter break I'm ready to relax and enjoy myself because its time that I get back to worrying about me and what I want. I'm supposed to be graduating December 2009 so I really have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I'm not who I thought I would be or where I thought I would be at 21 but who actually follows their plans without a hitch? I'd like to meet that person and then get them high so they could let go a little. I really feel now more than ever that life is about making mistakes. I remember thinking last week that heartbreak was going to take time to heal but not really believing it but now I really do. Everyday gets a little better and the moments are there from time to time but I feel like I could really become a better person. Six years in a relationship can take alot out of someone especially when it begins so early in life. I was only 15 and I'm letting go now. I grew up with him but I also grew apart. I was so focused on being a good girlfriend for him that I didnt see what was good for me. I'm getting to a point where I'm excited about what life could bring to me and how much I'm going to learn now that I have all this free time haha. I can reconnect with myself, my friends, my family and my interests. I havent thought about all of these things in so long and even though a part of me still loves him I know that he was a setback and being afraid of being alone isnt a good enough reason to stay with someone. I'm young I have time. I want and need to be on my own for awhile and explore life. Life is really too short to be constantly unhappy and wondering what if. 2009 will be a good year for me and for now I just have to wait and see what it will bring me. I really want to grow as a person and build up my personal strength that had been broken down, I really did lose alot of myself over the past few years. It's important to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Right now the plan is to love me, love life, laugh and learn, and let go. A new chapter of my life is beginning and I'm going to take control and make the very best of it. :)

Lesson Learned...

I'm not a big blogger but I'm going to try writing my thoughts out so I could possibly find some clarity. I just went through a MAJOR breakup. I was with this person for six years and of course we have broken up before and its been on and off but I got to a point that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted and he was not the person I had fallen in love with as cliche as it may sound its the truth. I should have never let it carry on for as long as it did but I was just so afraid of letting go, of losing my best friend and Iguess I just didn't want to be alone. A couple days ago something changed inside of me and I couldn't take it anymore. I've let go and right now I'm just dealing with the pain of it all. I'm allowing myself to be sad and to cry. I've always suppressed my feelings but this time I really need to get rid of all this anger and sadness. I know that right now its going to be hard and I'm going to need time to heal but in the long run its better for me to be alone without him. He had become a poison to my life. My relationship became emotionally exhausting, I AM EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED. I hate him for all of the things he did to me because no girl deserves to be lied to. Lesson learned, this is an experience I learned from and my life will go on and things will get better. This could not have happened at a worse time. I have finals and a ten page paper to write, I can't focus and I just want to get away but I have my prioritiesstraight and everything will get done. Thats how Im different from him. He's a fucking slacker. He's irresponsible and he loves to criticize others when he SHOULD be looking in the mirror. He'll learn one day Ihope. Everyday it gets better and I feel stronger, he wasn't the one for meand it really is time for me to focus on myself and start a new chapter of my life, without him and I'm ready.