FOCUS ON ME.

I'm enjoying life right now. 2009 is good so far except for me being broke haha but I've adjusted in a good way. My spring break was relaxing and fun. I spent time with my cousin and headed back for some fun in NYC. I've had some confessions lately and people have told me their deepest feelings about me which have been interesting because I would never expect it. In some of those cases I really don't know what to make out of them because I could see a future but I'm really not in a place where I could make any love decisions rationally. One of my close friends came back from Texas and its been really nice having him back... he was def. missed and its like we didnt even skip a beat. I'm really trying to cherish the friendships that I have now because if I've made it this long w. them it must be something special or something worth holding onto. I'm aware of how important all of these relationships are in my life but I'm most careful w. the relationship I have w. myself. I'm making sure to do only what makes me happy because in this journey called life stability and truth will always come from within not from someone else.




"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie Bradshaw (Sex andthe City)



peace and love.

one of those days.

remember to breathe.

make face time.

soo, I went back to my old ways... I've been meaning to blog but I never get to it just like past journals. Anywaays... so February flew by... I have been immersed in my studies and hanging out w. friends and meeting new people. Life is good and I feel like I am happy. I've been thinking alot about my future plans and what I'm going to be doing w. my life exactly. I feel like sometimes I try to avoid getting things done to avoid the responsibility of it all because I might be afraid of not being good enough. I really need to let those feelings go and just dive right in and gain the confidence I need in order for me to get where every it is my future is going to take me. I dont want to be a kiss ass or really pushy but my mom apparently like to grind that idea into us that we (my siblings and I) should really push and gain connections to get where we need to be and she's right but it seems like its always "who you know and not what you know." If this entry seems alittle awkward its cuz I dont even know what I'm trying to say haha moving alongg...

so the love life is currently... STAGNANT but its cool. I'm taking time for me and learning about myself so it works out. I;ve had a couple prospects but nothing too interesting for me to actually take the time out of my day to let them get to know me. I kinda dont want to meet anyone right now... actually not kinda... I DONT. I got on this online dating site just for fun to see who would be interested and VOILA, I guess I'm quite a catch because I received alot of messages and chat invites but I hate it. I hate online dating or online chatting to meet someone because... its sooooo impersonal ya know? Like how do you even know if the person is really who they say they are. I'm an old fashioned girl when it comes to that... like the chick from He's Just Not That Into You when she says... "people dont meet people organically anymore." And she's right... online there isnt love at first sight or those instant butterflies or that spark of interest... its a screen and letters and its soo out of touch. Its time to get off the internet and actually feel people and see who they are and what they do and what theyre about the Dentyne Ice campaign focuses on people disconnecting to really connect. I love it. I'm into discovery right now and I dont want to do it online. I mean i guess it works for some people but just not for me. anyways im out for now... i'll try to blog more often :)

♥

soulsearching.

So, I havent blogged in awhile. I started my semester and I only have class two days a week. Its a good sched but when Im not in school Im jus fuckin around not doing anything. Im in the process of looing for a job but I refuse to settle for retail and the recession isnt too good for me to find an office job so right now im keeping my fingers crossed. I love all of my classes this smester and Im learning alot of interesting things. Besides academics, I have been ging out alot and every weekend I promise myself Im going to stay in I never do but this week will be the beginning. I decided to reoragnize my closet this weekend to stay busy and maybe ill catch a ,ovie with some friends. I think i was gong out so much to avoid the feeling of loneliness... if Im out and twisted then im having fun and focusing on the music and the strobe light because they do make evrything sexier and hide feelings and truths about people. I just want to feel like 100 percent my self again Im almost there and I have been doing alot better ut I just want to feel like I felt before HE happened. I always bring him up here which is interesting because I dont think about him that much I guess i just want to get to the point hes not a thought at ALL, not even in my blog. Since ive been alone i dont stress as much and i feel relieved and im more patient and positive. I've noticed more beauty and im just trying to figure out what I want. My goals right now are to travel and thats really what i want to do this summer. I want to explore and experience things. Life is so unpredictable and things can always change for the better. I meant to blog on the day of the inauguration but it ust slipped my mind. History was made once again on that day and i experienced it. so many experiences that are overlooked can be overwhelming and of the best kind. I thik about people that I know that are trying t figure things out and worry about things they shouldnt worry about and have peolple in their lives that shouldnt be there. I dont want to be one of those people so im re-evaluating. I hada friend that stopped talking to me out of nowhere so i removed her from my fbook friends and she actually took the time to respond to me. I was so shocked she did but I guess to her one less digital friend is a problem. I was so incredibly angry that i told her to fuck off. Im done w. her. she can stay in the world she has w. her boyfriend and when she needs someone shes going to be alone. I need to get away. I think there is soooo much more out there and it bugs me that im just in one place... there will come a time for me. I shouldnt be so upset i can go out and explore because some people have trouble living where they are because they go hungry, or are abused or oppressed as their human rights are violated. The grass will always be greener on the other side. everyone always wants a little bit more.... but life is complicated that way we're not supposed to figure evrything out but some soul-searching is always nice.


peace.

just cause.

I really love Beyonce's song Halo and the video is so soft && shows what it means to really be in love with someone. I would love to experience that but when the time is right. RIGHT NOW though I am my main focus. I went out on Friday and had an AMAZING time w.my friends and the grey goose def. had this girl feeling loose. I start school Monday and I cant wait to learn. :)



life is good.

Tippssss

I am on my way out to NYC to get crunk w. my 2 best girls.
Lounge Hoppin' ... HOLLA.
Who needs a man... NOT MEEEEE :)

20

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

'09 new year, new experiences, new outlook.


I'm excited for '09. It already started on a good note, spending time w. my peoples ans relaxing. I start classes o the 12th ugh earlier than I thought but w.e I'm kinda ready to get back into class mode.

Spent the weekend w. Sash and Tonz (super fun).
She gave me the idea for this 20things for 20people... so here goes...


1. You are an ugly person inside and out, I wish I had never met you.
2. Even though I don't see you as much as I used to, you have always been a great friend.
3. I'm proud of you, I hope were are friends forever!
4. The world doesn't revolve around your pain, get over it, shit could be worse.
5. I think I could fall in love with you but I'd rather not.
6. You are my rock, and my favorite person in the world.
7. You are so much fun! You have become one of my best and most genuine friends, THANK YOU!
8. Girl, you are so funny! You have a great personality and I enjoy your company :)
9. You are FUCKING DYSFUNCTIONAL and I think you thrive on drama. I keep you around so I could feel better about myself.
10. You're full of excuses AND you talk too much.
11. I really do love you and I wish you weren't a fair weather friend.
12. Let go a little and try to enjoy life. You're only young once so stop complaining.
13. You can be so EXTRA.
14. I don't like partying with you, you make me feel uncomfortable.
15. You're really immature, I made the effort but now I'm done with you.
16. You need a man to survive, but I accept that and I love you anyway.
17. You were everything I NEVER wanted, thanks for the years of tears.
18. You have so much to learn but I think you will be great at anything you do. I will always be here for you if you need ANYTHING.
19. You are a product of your environment and that passion you think you have isn't real.
20. You fucked all of us over now you have to deal with the consequences forever, suck it up.



xo.